Tuesday, June 3, 2014

do you remember ? how to pick up on irc - a classic :)

This text is not online anymore (it was circulated in 1998 AD - that is BGF / Before Google & Facebook). And following a discussion Ileana Andrei launched yesterday on on Facebook, I definitely feel that this *classic* from the heroic era of the internet should return online. And be read, studied, and absorbed :)
Because somehow I know that education will never go out of style...


Maelstrom / 08.05.1998

If you're interested in the subject then you may find the following essay contains valuable information.  Unfortunately the text version doesn't contain my excellent crayon drawings as I haven't worked out how to get them off my monitor and onto disk so you'll have to imagine the diagrams if there were any...

---  How to pick up on IRC  ---
Sooo you've just been rejected by the cute waitress at Mcdonalds again. Did the last girl you approached on a train, knee you in the groin and call security?  Are you starting to despair of ever meeting a woman in real life who doesn't break out the pepper spray and dial 911 whenever you approach.
If so then you're probably one of the many love-starved men who have been flocking to the Internet with the intent of finding love from a woman who doesn't consider your lack of social skill and dubious personal hygiene a turn-off.  As Millions of these hopefuls have shelled out the dough for their first modem and ISP and eagerly hit the net, they're becoming disillusioned and hopeless.  "Where's the babes", they ask?  and "I thought
there were women on this thing!"  Well take heart, you're not alone.  What many of these men haven't worked out is that the rules of ordinary social intercourse just don't apply on IRC.  What follows is a brief guide to gettign the most out of your IRC experience...
The main thing to remember when venturing out into IRC is that you'll have a lot of competition.  99% of the men you meet on IRC are depraved, ex-starved and desperate men like yourself.  The other thing to remember is that 99% of the women you meet on there are also depraved, sex-starved and desperate men like you.  Only they've learnt to disguise their ID.  With that in mind
you're now ready to find an IRC chyk.
Step 1: Finding a channel
This is fairly straightforward.  Just look for a channel that has any of the following words in the title... Guns, sex, death, HOTPICS, manlove or Startrek. Straight away you've doubled your chances of finding a female-inhabited channel.  This is because women are often trying to go unnoticed and will thus populate a channel where you wouldn't expect to find them.
When you've made your choice its time for step 2.
Step 2: Making your entrance
In IRC, as in real life, timid, boring guys are going to finish last.  As soon as you enter the channel announce your intentions by saying
Repeat this four or five times for maximum effect and if you're using Mirc try it in different colours and fonts.
Step 3: Making your second entrance
At this point the channel operator will probably kick you off the channel. This is a good thing, he has obviously seen your charisma and is worried you're going to take all his women.  It's an instinctive thing and you know it's time to go for the kill.
Repeat step 2 several times and keep changing your nickname each time you do so.  It may be necessary to log off your ISP and if the jerk does  a domain ban to even change your entire ISP.  Don't be fazed though, it'll be worth it.
Step 4: First Contact!
Well the channelOp has finally given up on you and you've spotted someone who looks like a prospect.  Your first communique should be short, poignant and to the point.  You don't want to be one of those jerks who are tying up the network with their banal conversation crap.  Assuming your target was called bunny here is a suggested format...
/msg bunny What is your Sex and Age and weight?
/msg bunny Plees tell me now so I don't waste time on you if UR fat.
/msg bunny ANSWER ME (repeat several times)
If she doesn't answer straight away she is probably a dyke.  In this case cut your losses, try and flood her off or, better still, complain to a IRCop that she wasted your time.
Step 5: Making small talk
Well if she actually responded to you you can pat yourself on the back for having gotten this far.  It's now time for you to display your charm and reel her in.  First of all tell her about your abs of steel and about how rich your are.  Make sure to mention that your body is an adonis-like model of perfection and that your IQ is too high to be measured using current technology.  If you ever meet in real life and she asks about your description you can say "Well yeah but that was last week!"
Step 6: Netsex
OK so you've charmed her into trying a little netsex.  First things first, turn on your logging procedure.  Logging a personal encounter in IRC is not like videotaping someone in real life because it's on the Internet and you can do what you want on the Internet.  I don't have space here to tutor you on this but I have managed to track down a log of an actual netsex encounter
for those wondering how to go about it.  It can be found at
Step 7: Complaints department
Now if you've been following my sage advice it's possible that a few jerks will hassle you.  They may whine about you asserting your god-given right to use their channel for advertising or about the adorable 128-line ascii rose you've set up to auto-post every 10 seconds.  Well if they can't compete with your ingenuity then that's their problem! Do like I do and tell them your uncle knows the guy who OWNS THE INTERNET and if they keep hassling you
they'll get banned for life.  You can also tell them that you're a DeMoNiK HakkeR who will make their computer bLoW uP.  If you try this make sure to type in ALL CAPS because everyone knows that real hackers only ever type in caps.  This is because CAPS only have 7-bits and can't be traced over the Internet.  Would I lie to you?
We hope you've enjoyed the following excercise in stupidity.  The essay is an extract from the Comprehensive guide to Internet Romance which can be found at the Sex Gods Anonymous site at http://sexgods.base.org
Founding Father and Spiritual Leader of Sex Gods Anonymous


Obviously, none of the links above are functional any more. Sex gods have always had troubles with expiration dates...